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It'snot like I could go back to being a girl- my uterus is gone, my ovariesare gone, my breasts are gone, I've had testosterone flooding my body fora full third of my life... but this 'final step' is something elseentirely, and it's hard to say why. Is it because I'd always be a 'chickwith a dick'? Is it because I'm scared I'd never fully get used to havingit? Is it because I'm not THAT uncomfortable with the way I am?I ask all these rhetorical questions two days later as I sit on one ofthe comfortable chairs in my counsellor's office. Dr Phillips nods andtakes notes as I reel off my woes, before offering her typically wiseopinion on the matter."Obviously," the middle-aged professional woman begins, "I'm going topreface this by saying what I've said a million times: The way you feelis perfectly natural, there is nothing wrong with the way you feel. YouWERE born in the wrong body, and there'll always be a part of you thatwill feel that way. There is a chance that SRS will correct. "I was scared, Master, of encountering you again. Of meeting up with you and being degraded and, once again, put through pain." There. I said it.But, now I couldn't stop. "I didn't want to wear the dog -- my -- collar for you, Master. I didn't want to be dragged around the store by my leash anymore." Tears were filling my eyes as we stood there, outside the main exit of KMart. "I didn't want to be used by you for your pleasure, Master."Then, when I had said my piece, I took a deep breath and looked up into his eyes. And felt my resolve melt away. I wasn't afraid. I wasn't scared. I was... I was just being human. One who has been discovering and rediscovering what she is capable of accomplishing. I took a step closer to him and felt his fingers leave my shoulder. I stood up straight. I stood tall. I walked to him and did the one thing I'd never ever expected doing in my entire life. I kneeled before him. Not once did I take my eyes off him. Not once did I show sign of the other.
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